Rodney Dangerfield

Puzzles

• My wife made me join a ___ club. I jump off next Tuesday.
  What’s missing ___? [ Click here to find out ]
• Look out for number one and try not to ___ number two.
  What’s missing ___? [ Click here to find out ]
• When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always ___ them.
  What’s missing ___? [ Click here to find out ]
• I told my psychiatrist that ___ hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - ___ hasn't met me yet.
  What’s missing ___? [ Click here to find out ]
• My wife's a water sign. I'm an earth sign. Together we make ___.
  What’s missing ___? [ Click here to find out ]
• I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to ___ her.
  What’s missing ___? [ Click here to find out ]
• My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we ___.
  What’s missing ___? [ Click here to find out ]
• What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my ___.
  What’s missing ___? [ Click here to find out ]
• We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage ___.
  What’s missing ___? [ Click here to find out ]
• Once on my birthday my ol' man gave me a ___. The first day I played with it, it flew away.
  What’s missing ___? [ Click here to find out ]
• When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my ___.
  What’s missing ___? [ Click here to find out ]
• I went to a massage parlor. It was ___ service.
  What’s missing ___? [ Click here to find out ]

Quotes

• Which one of these four quotes is attributed to Rodney Dangerfield?

  • → Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.
  • → It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.
  • → There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with.
  • → Travel can be one of the most rewarding forms of introspection.
  
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• Pick the quote attributed to Rodney Dangerfield.

  • → Every day brings a chance for you to draw in a breath, kick off your shoes, and dance.
  • → The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.
  • → I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
  • → We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give.
  
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• Select the quotation attributed to Rodney Dangerfield.

  • → We're here for a reason. I believe a bit of the reason is to throw little torches out to lead people through the dark.
  • → Duty comes before pleasure mainly in the dictionary.
  • → A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower."
  • → Rarely has reality needed so much to be imagined.
  
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• One of these may be attributed to Rodney Dangerfield. Which one?

  • → First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
  • → There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
  • → Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me that from now on I have to pay in advance.
  • → Biology has at least 50 more interesting years.
  
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• Which one of these belongs to Rodney Dangerfield?

  • → I asked the waiter, “Is this milk fresh?” He said, “Lady, three hours ago it was grass.”
  • → If I had as many love affairs as I've been given credit for, I'd be in a jar at the Harvard Medical School.
  • → I want to reach your mind – where is it currently located?
  • → My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
  
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• Can you identify the right quote belonging to Rodney Dangerfield?

  • → Nothing spoils fun like finding out it builds character.
  • → Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle.
  • → A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
  • → I'm a hero with coward's legs.
  
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• Guess which of these quotes is attributed to Rodney Dangerfield.

  • → The thing that attracted me to my husband was his pride. I'll never forget the first time I saw him, standing up on a hill, his hair blowing in the breeze — and he too proud to run and get it.
  • → I like to date school teachers; if you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
  • → Never invest in any idea you can't illustrate with a crayon.
  • → Living on a budget is the same as living beyond your means, except that you have a record of it.
  
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• One of the following quotations belongs to Rodney Dangerfield. Which one?

  • → A college degree is not a sign that one is a finished product but an indication a person is prepared for life.
  • → The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
  • → I do not know anyone who has got to the top without hard work. That is the recipe. It will not always get you to the top, but should get you pretty near.
  • → I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
  
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• Can you guess which one of these belongs to Rodney Dangerfield?

  • → Most things in life are moments of pleasure and a lifetime of embarrassment; photography is a moment of embarrassment and a lifetime of pleasure.
  • → I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex. Last night, she called me from a motel.
  • → Real elation is when you feel you could touch a star without standing on tiptoe.
  • → Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.
  
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• Try to identify the quote attributed to Rodney Dangerfield.

  • → If you own this story you get to write the ending.
  • → Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, opulence is when you have three – and paradise is when you have none.
  • → My wife's a great driver; she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo.
  • → If you listen to your fears, you will die never knowing what a great person you might have been.
  
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• Looks like Rodney Dangerfield is the author of one of these.

  • → The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.
  • → Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.
  • → The real secret of patience is to find something to do in the meantime.
  • → I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.
  
  [ Click here to find out ]